Story by Wu Valencia
Illustration by ‘Irene’
“It’s all ‘cause of you that we’re unlucky today.”
These words were spoken to Irene*, a 19 years-old polytechnic student, while she was still in primary school — words from her mother that she will not forget for the next decade or more of her life.
A build-up of events had led to the separation
Irene’s parents separated when she was just six. They divorced when she was 13, halfway through her secondary one year.
Irene recalls that her father had declared bankruptcy and was spending a few months at home, unmotivated to search for a new job.
With a family of five to feed, Irene’s mother took on the responsibility of supporting the household on her own.
The relationship between her parents was strained. Her mother had known that her father was cheating — she already knew that he had a mistress since before his bankruptcy.
The last straw came when he had raised his hand against her. Her mother knew that it wasn’t right, and that if abuse can happen once, it will happen again.
Fast forward seven years and her parents got officially divorced. Then came the topic of child custody.
“Whatever, I’m used to it already. It has been seven years, I don’t really care about what they do as long as they don’t abandon their children,” Irene shares with a detached tone, speaking about the custody and parental responsibilities.
Currently, the children are under shared custody, with Irene and her elder sister staying with her mother and Irene’s younger brother staying with her father.
Looking back
When asked if she ever felt envious or resentful, Irene shared that she once felt woeful about her situation.
Scenes like seeing fellow schoolmates’ parents picking them up after school, or having to leave her father’s place after every weekend stayover gnawed at her heart little by little in her adolescence.
She also used to blame her father a lot, especially after finding a diary entry in her mother’s notebook that recounted a time when he forced her out of the car to make space for the mistress.
Her mother’s distress led to her using hurtful words against Irene, such as “It’s all ‘cause of you that we are unlucky today.”
“It has been years since primary school but I will still remember it because the impact of these words — it really hits the soul. I was made to accept, internalize and think that is what I am or who I am,” Irene chokes out these words.
The stress that accumulated — and quite possibly the trauma that was inflicted — developed into anxiety.
Even though having a broken family isn’t unheard of, and perhaps more common than one might think, it still hurts her to not have a complete family, or to know what her father did to her mother.
Let bygones be bygones?
During therapy, Irene told her therapist, “Ya, I think I am well and over it” but deep down, she knew that this was a tough knot to loosen.
People around her often tell her that it is time to move past the matter, like her parents have. But for her, as a child who grew up in that environment, she feels that they shouldn’t have a say in her choice to forgive.
“I can bury it deep and say I let it go, but I just know it… I will never forgive them.”
So, what is home to Irene?
A home can mean more than just where one lives. As for Irene, being at her house feels suffocating when other family members are present.
After a moment of pensive silence, Irene says that her dream home is someplace warm.
“Someplace where I can be myself. Someplace where I can look forward to going back to, to rest, to recover,” she adds gently.
Looking for the missing warmth
Irene stresses that familial warmth is very important because it can affect a person’s mental state and growth, their perception, views and personal values — especially for young children.
With a bittersweet tone, she continues. “I think it’s okay [that I don’t have that warmth]. I have come this far. I won’t be actively sad about it and I won’t actively seek out warmth.”
Warmth won’t be the answer for everyone going through a difficult period of time, as what comforts one may not comfort another. For Irene, the warmth she gets from the people whom she loves is good enough.
“I do feel very loved with my friends and even with colleagues. I can have fun and I feel at peace and ease, like ‘Hey, they’re gonna be there!’ and yeah, that’s all I need,” Irene ends off with a smile.
“Eventually the day where I move past everything will come. When it comes, it comes.”
*Not her real name.